Por vezes desisto de tudo. Ou de quase tudo. Até de escrever, ou de ouvir música, ou de ler.

E depois espero horas e hora que algo aconteça.

É a espera um suplício.

Por vezes sinto-me a afogar.

Não tenho a mínima ideia de como cheguei até aqui. Só sei que é preciso sair.

Acho que necessito de salvar a alma. Ou o que resta dela em mim.

Quando digo isto aos amigos, nenhum deles compreende bem do que lhe estou a falar.

Para a dizer a verdade, nem eu os percebo a eles.

Somos estrangeiros em terra de ninguém.

Aqui há dias, uma pessoa que eu mal conheço, contou-me que encontrou alguém seu amigo que leu o meu livro, gostou e por isso o levou até terras americanas para o oferecer a um familiar que tem grandes saudades da nossa terra.

Nesse momento lembrei-me de umas palavras escritas num dos diários de Miguel Torga, onde o nosso conterrâneo escreveu o que se segue: “E fiquei-me a pensar para dentro que os escritores em Portugal são como as raparigas feias nos bailes: passam a noite a sonhar com os mil admiradores que poderiam ter, e a contar pelos dedos os heróis que na realidade a tiram para dançar”.

A vida é sempre a mesma, uma tarefa irresolúvel, com o final que todos sabemos.

O que se pode fazer para a tornar suportável é conseguir olhá-la de distintos lugares e várias posições. Também podemos escrever sobre ela. Não é que isso a melhor, mas, pelo menos, muda o seu tédio.

Actualmente as pessoas vão ao supermercado como antigamente se ia à missa: em busca da redenção. É que o consumo tem a vantagem de nos depurar dos pecados, pois só pensamos em comprar mais barato aquilo que não nos faz falta alguma.

Antigamente era a Igreja que nos dava a impressão de civilização.

Hoje a civilização passa obrigatoriamente pelos supermercados. É a alma massificada pela necessidade de glória.

Graças a Deus que os supermercados abarrotam de comida. A fome é uma invenção do Diabo, como todos sabemos.

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O sofrimento é a paciência esgotada. É como a sensação do desequilíbrio antes da queda. É nesse momento que recordamos a paz que se foi, a tranquilidade com que sonhámos, a coragem que perseguíamos.

O mundo, afinal, é um imenso mal-entendido.

É por isso que choramos.

Alguém vai ter de nos salvar da confusão.

Angustiam-me estas noites todas iguais. Angustia-me ter de as atravessar ordenadamente angustiado.

Todas as noites são iguais quando as sentimos a entrar na pele e a tomar conta dos nossos medos.

Pergunto-me se há Deus na noite, ou se ele utiliza esse tempo para descansar de nos aturar.

Há urgência neste engano fugidio à realidade.

Penso que é necessário que alguém nos poupe à lucidez do tempo.

Aos pensamentos sucedem-se outros pensamentos e a estes outros se lhe seguem, numa cadeia interminável de perguntas e respostas.

Tudo se cala à minha volta.

A loucura deve ser algo próximo de uma noite inesquecível.

É quando olho o mar que sinto dolorosamente a minha pequenez.

Sinto cada vez mais o quão longe estou da sabedoria.

Ao longe as gaivotas acompanham a dor verde do mar e por isso se banham no azul do céu.

Observando os gestos de algumas pessoas compreendo que o futuro ainda é possível.

Não sei explicar porquê, mas demorei tempo demais a acreditar nas coisas, naquilo que todos as pessoas sabem desde sempre.

A maldade, por exemplo. Ou a bondade. Ou a verdade. Ou o crime. Ou a inveja. Ou a dor da traição. Ou a mentira.

Ainda continuo a ser adulto. Faltou-me ser criança.